Category Archives: Humor

Oh, You Want ME To Protect YOU With MY Gun?

Well now, I do admit that does look a mite uncomfortable, you laying there face down with a jackboot belonging to a man who refuses to identify himself pressed against your back. And I can see why you would fear for your life when a gun belonging to a man wearing military fatigues without any identifying characteristics is pointed at your head while you lay prone in the middle of the street.

I’m sorry, what was that? It’s hard to hear you what with the air being forced from your lungs by the weight of a man in full combat gear. Didn’t your mother ever tell you to speak up? Oh, I see, you want me to protect you with my gun from the literal example of tyranny that I am always railing against? How the tables have turned my friend! Where were you when the tyrannical State was forcing me to wear a mask so that I don’t accidentally kill another human being by my extreme carelessness? Plus, in this good anonymous man’s defense, you were drawing graffiti and breaking windows. He had no choice but to respond with tear gas and batons. And all the maimings cannot be blamed on them when you are the one that wrote bad words on a wall. Again, louder please. Speak from the diaphragm. The one being crushed. That’s better. It wasn’t you that wrote any of the graffiti? Perhaps, but then you started throwing fireworks at them and that’s dangerous for them! That wasn’t you either? But you have to admit that you were in the same general square mile as those people and are thus complicit! Anyway, this fine gentleman that is not telling you what he is arresting you for and will be shortly blindfolding you and putting you in an unmarked vehicle says you did do those things and who am I supposed to believe, the government who I have often railed against as being oppressive or you?

If I were to wear a face mask, which I wouldn’t because that’s definitely tyranny, my COVID germs deserve freedom to kill things that scare me as much as I do, I would wear the rattlesnake coiled to strike with the words “DONT TREAD ON ME” emblazoned underneath. Notice how it doesn’t say anything about treading on you. That I am ok with. If I’m being honest, I kind of wish I were this fine young gentleman slowly crushing the life out of you. It’s from your kind of tyranny that I have this gun to protect myself, not his. You have all of these Marxist ideas that are really scary to me. Given, I have no idea at all what Marxism is, but I’m hearing it thrown around a lot by people I listen to and they say it’s scary and so I’m scared. Antifa led Black Lives Matter people are trying to come to the suburbs and break into our homes and steal our stuff! Many of my suburban friends who would never even think of buying a gun to protect their stuff from these potential roving hoards are buying two even three guns! Given, this has never once happened in all of U.S. history. Except all the times white people did it. But that doesn’t mean it can’t happen! Black people are trying to have the same rights and privileges as white people and I think that only white people should have the rights to act out revenge fantasies against wrongs both perceived and real. Mostly perceived. You can’t call me racist like that! You scare me too and you’re very white!

Oh, you’re leaving? Well that’s rude. I thought we were having a constructive conversation here. I wouldn’t worry much for your safety. It’s not as if our police forces have a history of being a little bit over zealous in their treatment of people whom they perceive to have wished them harm. And these people are completely anonymous and refuse to tell you or your friends, who they are threatening to shoot, where you are being taken. So you’re like triply safe! It really is a great day to be an American!

Glycobiology Rap

In honor of my friend Gaurang obtaining his doctorate, I present to you the Glycobiology Rap!

My name is Gaurang Bhide but you may call me Doc G
For I just got my doctorate in glycobiology!
"What is that?", you ask, well it's really quite simple
The explanation of such is as easy as popping a pimple!
Glyco means sugar, it's tasty and it's sweet
But it really is a substance that you shouldn't overeat.
Then there's biology, the study of all life
There's the simple answer and it shouldn't cause you strife.

Put the two together and it's a little more complicated
For sugar and life intersect in ways you've never contemplated.
Sugars, you see, couple in ways that are many and varied
And there's magic that can happen when these molecules are rightly married.
And by magic, I mean science, because magic just ain't real
And that's the truth you suckas, no matter what your ass may feel.
Getting these guys together ain't as easy as you may think
That's why much of my job consists of cleaning bottles in a sink.

Glucose and fructose are some compounds that I manipulate
Into unique combinations with the hopes that I may demonstrate
From my cultures that I feed in the hopes that they will propagate
Applications that are practical and easy to duplicate
That's what I do and I hope I was able to inculcate
These ideas in your mind in a way that raised your interest rate.

 

Missus Ann Rand

*sung to the tune of Mister Sandman

** for any words in parenthesis, imagine Ayn Rand popping out the side of the screen correcting the pronunciation.

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Missus Ann Rand (Ayn), bring me a dream
Give me the best government that I've ever seen
Make it so only rich people are in charge
Then our economy will surely grow large
Ann Rand (Ayn), look at the poor
Let's take what they have and then show them the door
What a big bunch of moochers and fakers
Missus Ann Rand (Ayn) get me away from these takers

Missus Ann Rand (Ayn), let's run away
This government is toothless and full of decay
Let's take with us only the makers
And form a country filled with movers and shakers
Ann Rand (Ayn), here we'll call home
We'll build an empire more glorious than Rome
All the others will look on us with despair
While complaining that their life's not fair

Missus Ann Rand (Ayn), things are just swell
'cept for the riot that we had to quell
Just because there's not enough food
But besides that everything is good
Ann Rand (Ayn), you've got my back
You'll provide us with the things we lack
All we're missing now is clothes and shelter
Oh, and society's sort of gone helter-skelter

Missus Ann Rand (Ayn), we'll still pull through
We found a man who knows just what to do
He'll fix everything for merely a song
There isn't a thing that could possibly go wrong
Ann Rand (Ayn), our country's on fire
And our prospects are increasingly dire
It turns out that those who think they are makers
Are really some of the biggest of takers

Missus Ann Rand (Ayn), it's fallen apart
Turns out your ideas are not very smart
Why'd we think that we'd be able to build
A world in which our dreams would ever be fulfilled
Ann Rand (Ayn), Objectivism's sad
Because, you see, that the selfish are bad
Looking out for just number one
Is a thought that most other people will shun

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

 

Bad Joke Of The Day

What kind of comedy do eyes like?

Vitreous humor!

I thought up this (totally original, I’m sure!) joke while reading about those strange floaty things that some people have in their vision.

You’re welcome.

Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before

Everyone knows the twelve inch pianist joke.  It’s a mainstay of comedy.  But did you ever wonder what happened after the punchline?  Well, wonder no further!  It goes from the joke, to awkwardness, to sentimentality, to hilarity, and back to awkwardness once again.  It’s some brilliant writing.

I Tell Jokes!

What do you call a man laughing obnoxiously in a high class restaurant?

An amused douche!

Get it?  Amused douche/amuse-bouche?  Oh, come on, it’s funny!  You obviously have no taste in humor.  Unless you liked it.  Then you are a connoisseur of comedy.

Fist Of Jesus

What happens when you combine Jesus and zombies?  This (NSFW for over the top blood):

[youtube http://youtu.be/GuKV2Z3eYTY]

LOL Of The Day

There has been a brouhaha over a Ten Commandments monument on the grounds of the Oklahoma State Capitol Building.  The ACLU has sued saying it’s a governmental establishment of a religion which directly contradicts the First Amendment.  It certainly does, but that’s not what’s funny.  What’s funny is what happened next.  A few other religions then requested to put their own monuments on the grounds.  This would certainly be a way for Oklahoma to skirt the First Amendment violation.  The only problem is that one of the first to apply for adding a new monument was the Church of Satan.  Well, they recently released a design proposal for said monument and it’s…well, take a look:

pxIyxCH

 

The best part is you can sit on Satan’s lap!  BWAHAHAHAHA!  There is no way in hell (ha!) this gets approved, but oh, would it make the Oklahoma State Capitol Building a tourist attraction.

Serial Killer Words Of Wisdom

I was paged for work in the wee hours of the morning.  As I was trying to fall back to sleep, my brain decided to think of words of wisdom with a serial killer twist.  I really don’t know about you, brain.  Here’s a few, add your own!

“Home is where the heart is.  In a jar.  In my basement.  Next to the head.”

“Revenge is a dish best served never.  Because revenge requires emotion.  And I have none.”

“The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest cavity.”

“What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” – This one, I decided, is creepy just because a serial killer is saying it.

“Look both ways before dragging your victim into your van.”

“The only thing standing in your way is that window.  And it’s open.”

“To err is human; to carve out a man’s spleen while he’s still alive, divine.”

“There are two types of people in this world, doers and screamers.”

“Always take time to appreciate the gurggling noises coming from your victim’s slashed throat.”

“Fool me once, find yourself hanging upside-down by your toe nails.  Fool me twice, oh, you can’t because you’re dead.”