Would a person who had a piece of their colon removed then have a semicolon?
What kind of comedy do eyes like?
I thought up this (totally original, I’m sure!) joke while reading about those strange floaty things that some people have in their vision.
Everyone knows the twelve inch pianist joke. It’s a mainstay of comedy. But did you ever wonder what happened after the punchline? Well, wonder no further! It goes from the joke, to awkwardness, to sentimentality, to hilarity, and back to awkwardness once again. It’s some brilliant writing.
What do you call a man laughing obnoxiously in a high class restaurant?
An amused douche!
Get it? Amused douche/amuse-bouche? Oh, come on, it’s funny! You obviously have no taste in humor. Unless you liked it. Then you are a connoisseur of comedy.
What happens when you combine Jesus and zombies? This (NSFW for over the top blood):[youtube http://youtu.be/GuKV2Z3eYTY]
There has been a brouhaha over a Ten Commandments monument on the grounds of the Oklahoma State Capitol Building. The ACLU has sued saying it’s a governmental establishment of a religion which directly contradicts the First Amendment. It certainly does, but that’s not what’s funny. What’s funny is what happened next. A few other religions then requested to put their own monuments on the grounds. This would certainly be a way for Oklahoma to skirt the First Amendment violation. The only problem is that one of the first to apply for adding a new monument was the Church of Satan. Well, they recently released a design proposal for said monument and it’s…well, take a look:
The best part is you can sit on Satan’s lap! BWAHAHAHAHA! There is no way in hell (ha!) this gets approved, but oh, would it make the Oklahoma State Capitol Building a tourist attraction.
I was paged for work in the wee hours of the morning. As I was trying to fall back to sleep, my brain decided to think of words of wisdom with a serial killer twist. I really don’t know about you, brain. Here’s a few, add your own!
“Home is where the heart is. In a jar. In my basement. Next to the head.”
“Revenge is a dish best served never. Because revenge requires emotion. And I have none.”
“The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest cavity.”
“What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” – This one, I decided, is creepy just because a serial killer is saying it.
“Look both ways before dragging your victim into your van.”
“The only thing standing in your way is that window. And it’s open.”
“To err is human; to carve out a man’s spleen while he’s still alive, divine.”
“There are two types of people in this world, doers and screamers.”
“Always take time to appreciate the gurggling noises coming from your victim’s slashed throat.”
“Fool me once, find yourself hanging upside-down by your toe nails. Fool me twice, oh, you can’t because you’re dead.”
It's the most horrible time of the year With shoppers all yelling You'll all hear me telling you "Get me a beer!" It's the most horrible time of the year It's the crap- crappiest season of all The daytime is fleeting and why is it sleeting? I feel I might bawl It's the crap- crappiest season of all This fake cheer's exhausting These presents are costing me Mountains and mountains of dough And look, yet more stories of sad Christian worries That Christmas will soon be no mo' It's the most horrible time of the year The carols are blaring My tolerance wearing Insanity's near It's the most horrible time of the year
This fake cheer's exhausting These presents are costing me Mountains and mountains of dough And look, yet more stories of sad Christian worries That Christmas will soon be no mo' It's the most horrible time of the year The carols are blaring My tolerance wearing Insanity's near It's the most horrible time It's the most horrible time It's the most horrible time of the year
If I were inclined to waste my life even more than I already do, I would have totally made this mashup:[youtube http://youtu.be/RUY6lDja-DE]
Compare and contrast:[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGEOolwE03M]
It is funny. But it’s also sad. We’ve seen Rob Ford’s story before and his ending is likely the same as Chris Farley’s if he doesn’t get any help soon.
I was sent this video a week or so ago and loved it and promptly forgot about it. A conversation about Movember and how silly it is reminded me. I present to you, for your viewing pleasure, Decembeaver![youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fp3Bns-bCv4&feature=youtube_gdata_player]