Category Archives: Humor

Glycobiology Rap

In honor of my friend Gaurang obtaining his doctorate, I present to you the Glycobiology Rap!

My name is Gaurang Bhide but you may call me Doc G
For I just got my doctorate in glycobiology!
"What is that?", you ask, well it's really quite simple
The explanation of such is as easy as popping a pimple!
Glyco means sugar, it's tasty and it's sweet
But it really is a substance that you shouldn't overeat.
Then there's biology, the study of all life
There's the simple answer and it shouldn't cause you strife.

Put the two together and it's a little more complicated
For sugar and life intersect in ways you've never contemplated.
Sugars, you see, couple in ways that are many and varied
And there's magic that can happen when these molecules are rightly married.
And by magic, I mean science, because magic just ain't real
And that's the truth you suckas, no matter what your ass may feel.
Getting these guys together ain't as easy as you may think
That's why much of my job consists of cleaning bottles in a sink.

Glucose and fructose are some compounds that I manipulate
Into unique combinations with the hopes that I may demonstrate
From my cultures that I feed in the hopes that they will propagate
Applications that are practical and easy to duplicate
That's what I do and I hope I was able to inculcate
These ideas in your mind in a way that raised your interest rate.

 

Missus Ann Rand

*sung to the tune of Mister Sandman

** for any words in parenthesis, imagine Ayn Rand popping out the side of the screen correcting the pronunciation.

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Missus Ann Rand (Ayn), bring me a dream
Give me the best government that I've ever seen
Make it so only rich people are in charge
Then our economy will surely grow large
Ann Rand (Ayn), look at the poor
Let's take what they have and then show them the door
What a big bunch of moochers and fakers
Missus Ann Rand (Ayn) get me away from these takers

Missus Ann Rand (Ayn), let's run away
This government is toothless and full of decay
Let's take with us only the makers
And form a country filled with movers and shakers
Ann Rand (Ayn), here we'll call home
We'll build an empire more glorious than Rome
All the others will look on us with despair
While complaining that their life's not fair

Missus Ann Rand (Ayn), things are just swell
'cept for the riot that we had to quell
Just because there's not enough food
But besides that everything is good
Ann Rand (Ayn), you've got my back
You'll provide us with the things we lack
All we're missing now is clothes and shelter
Oh, and society's sort of gone helter-skelter

Missus Ann Rand (Ayn), we'll still pull through
We found a man who knows just what to do
He'll fix everything for merely a song
There isn't a thing that could possibly go wrong
Ann Rand (Ayn), our country's on fire
And our prospects are increasingly dire
It turns out that those who think they are makers
Are really some of the biggest of takers

Missus Ann Rand (Ayn), it's fallen apart
Turns out your ideas are not very smart
Why'd we think that we'd be able to build
A world in which our dreams would ever be fulfilled
Ann Rand (Ayn), Objectivism's sad
Because, you see, that the selfish are bad
Looking out for just number one
Is a thought that most other people will shun

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

 

Bad Joke Of The Day

Would a person who had a piece of their colon removed then have a semicolon?

Bad Joke Of The Day

What kind of comedy do eyes like?

Vitreous humor!

I thought up this (totally original, I’m sure!) joke while reading about those strange floaty things that some people have in their vision.

You’re welcome.

Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before

Everyone knows the twelve inch pianist joke.  It’s a mainstay of comedy.  But did you ever wonder what happened after the punchline?  Well, wonder no further!  It goes from the joke, to awkwardness, to sentimentality, to hilarity, and back to awkwardness once again.  It’s some brilliant writing.

I Tell Jokes!

What do you call a man laughing obnoxiously in a high class restaurant?

An amused douche!

Get it?  Amused douche/amuse-bouche?  Oh, come on, it’s funny!  You obviously have no taste in humor.  Unless you liked it.  Then you are a connoisseur of comedy.

Fist Of Jesus

What happens when you combine Jesus and zombies?  This (NSFW for over the top blood):

[youtube http://youtu.be/GuKV2Z3eYTY]

LOL Of The Day

There has been a brouhaha over a Ten Commandments monument on the grounds of the Oklahoma State Capitol Building.  The ACLU has sued saying it’s a governmental establishment of a religion which directly contradicts the First Amendment.  It certainly does, but that’s not what’s funny.  What’s funny is what happened next.  A few other religions then requested to put their own monuments on the grounds.  This would certainly be a way for Oklahoma to skirt the First Amendment violation.  The only problem is that one of the first to apply for adding a new monument was the Church of Satan.  Well, they recently released a design proposal for said monument and it’s…well, take a look:

pxIyxCH

 

The best part is you can sit on Satan’s lap!  BWAHAHAHAHA!  There is no way in hell (ha!) this gets approved, but oh, would it make the Oklahoma State Capitol Building a tourist attraction.

Serial Killer Words Of Wisdom

I was paged for work in the wee hours of the morning.  As I was trying to fall back to sleep, my brain decided to think of words of wisdom with a serial killer twist.  I really don’t know about you, brain.  Here’s a few, add your own!

“Home is where the heart is.  In a jar.  In my basement.  Next to the head.”

“Revenge is a dish best served never.  Because revenge requires emotion.  And I have none.”

“The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest cavity.”

“What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” – This one, I decided, is creepy just because a serial killer is saying it.

“Look both ways before dragging your victim into your van.”

“The only thing standing in your way is that window.  And it’s open.”

“To err is human; to carve out a man’s spleen while he’s still alive, divine.”

“There are two types of people in this world, doers and screamers.”

“Always take time to appreciate the gurggling noises coming from your victim’s slashed throat.”

“Fool me once, find yourself hanging upside-down by your toe nails.  Fool me twice, oh, you can’t because you’re dead.”

 

It’s The Most Horrible Time Of The Year

It's the most horrible time of the year
With shoppers all yelling
You'll all hear me telling you "Get me a beer!"
It's the most horrible time of the year
It's the crap- crappiest season of all
The daytime is fleeting and why is it sleeting?
I feel I might bawl
It's the crap- crappiest season of all

This fake cheer's exhausting
These presents are costing me
Mountains and mountains of dough
And look, yet more stories
of sad Christian worries
That Christmas will soon be no mo'

It's the most horrible time of the year
The carols are blaring
My tolerance wearing
Insanity's near
It's the most horrible time of the year
This fake cheer's exhausting
These presents are costing me
Mountains and mountains of dough
And look, yet more stories
of sad Christian worries
That Christmas will soon be no mo'

It's the most horrible time of the year
The carols are blaring
My tolerance wearing
Insanity's near
It's the most horrible time
It's the most horrible time
It's the most horrible time of the year