Movie Review: Transformers: Age Of Extinction

Jean-Paul’s Rating: -10/ 5 stars

Bottom Line: Every time you see a Michael Bay film, god kills a kitten.

I am a masochist.  That is the only reason I can give you for why I went to see this movie after hating every other “Transformers” movie that Michael Bay has released.  “But this one will be different,” I reasoned with myself, showing all the signs of being in an abusive relationship.  “This one has Mark Wahlberg, I like Mark Wahlberg.  Michael Bay has changed, I just know he has.”  I need an intervention badly.

The movie started off decently enough in that “so bad it’s good” kind of way.  You have an intro where it is revealed that aliens destroyed the dinosaurs by turning them all into metal despite the fact that none of the present dinosaur remains are actually metal for some reason except one that they find in a mining complex.  There is all of this really amusingly bad dialogue and acting between Mark Wahlberg, the Michael Bay token hot chick, and the Michael Bay token annoying sidekick guy.  Then Kelsey Grammer and Stanley Tucci show up as the villains and I’m thinking that this may be a decent movie after all.  Boy was I wrong.

The rest of the movie was an insult to good taste and intelligence.  There is not a single plot point that makes even the remotest sense.  For instance, all the transformers are being hunted by a special branch of the CIA because of their metal which should have been in abundance on Earth because of the previously alluded to dinosaur extinction.  The action scenes are an assault on the senses that make no coherent sense whatsoever (except for a pretty decent fight scene between Optimus Prime and random space robot dude #1).  This, too, must explode for no reason at all because there hasn’t been a good explosion for over one second.Even ignoring the fact that there were supposed to only be 30 enemy robots in the final epic battle but the good guys ended um killing umpteen millions of them, the enemy robots have the ability to transform into this swarm of metal that can apparently fly anywhere and yet they consistently decide to turn into cars and robots.  All the better to shoot you, my dear.

I feel stupider after having seen this movie.  The following is a partial list of what would have been a better use of my time than spending the 2 hours and 40 minutes it took to watch this clunker: watching lead paint dry, peel, and crack for 40 years and then eating the paint chips, running a barefoot marathon over a surface of broken glass, getting killed by a pair of tweezers that was only used to pick the skin off of my body one tweeze at a time.

2 thoughts on “Movie Review: Transformers: Age Of Extinction

  1. Jaime

    They key to Michael Bay films is Low expectations. So spoiler alert, if you actually wish to waste your $10. So I set them low, and much like you Jean Paul, it wasn’t low enough. With a running time of over 2 hrs and 40 min, I was actually never bored and didn’t feel like a long time had passed when the film mercifully came to and end, that to tons of unnecesary action and explosions constantly going on. But this movie made NO SENSE. The Guvment hates robots now, so Guvment hunts down robots, so Guvment can make their OWN robots. Kelsey Grammer is the leader of the CIA/NSA/FBI ish Super secret robot killing group. Stanley Tucci is the Steve Job’ish CEO of the robot making company. Mark Wahlberg is the Tinkerer/Nerd and Dad of “Random Hot Chick”, who Accidently finds and activates Optimus Prime. Super Bad Robot from elsewhere wants Optimus Prime for reasons never explained and is in Kahoots with Frazier and Stanley. Megatron is dead, since the last film, so nothing could go wrong if you use Megatrons code, to create your new GuvMent robots, Right? Well, shock of shocks, the GuvMent robots go haywire, tons of civilians are injured and or killed in the ensuing mayhem. Time to re-Test your robots. Did I neglect to mention that China partially funded this film? So Shoehorned Chinese Actress, is the head of the Robot factory in China. So for no reason whatsoever, we travel across the globe to Hong Kong, where the GuvMent robots are actually being built. So a 6 way battle royale now ensues between, the Now EVIL GuvMent Robots, the GuvMent agents, the Space Robots, the AutoBots and the Loving Peaceful Chinese Army. (God I wish I was kidding) Did I mention DinoBots show up for no reason whatsoever. Shit blows up for the next 15 to 20 minutes. Optimus gives another stupid speech, The End.

    How for the love of Cybertron do you spend 200+ Million dollars making a film and not somehow create an even somewhat mildly palatable product that makes a lick of sense.

    Sad part is this film is making money hand over fist. While more deserving films, crash and burn at the box office. God help us all.

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