Oh, You Want ME To Protect YOU With MY Gun?

Well now, I do admit that does look a mite uncomfortable, you laying there face down with a jackboot belonging to a man who refuses to identify himself pressed against your back. And I can see why you would fear for your life when a gun belonging to a man wearing military fatigues without any identifying characteristics is pointed at your head while you lay prone in the middle of the street.

I’m sorry, what was that? It’s hard to hear you what with the air being forced from your lungs by the weight of a man in full combat gear. Didn’t your mother ever tell you to speak up? Oh, I see, you want me to protect you with my gun from the literal example of tyranny that I am always railing against? How the tables have turned my friend! Where were you when the tyrannical State was forcing me to wear a mask so that I don’t accidentally kill another human being by my extreme carelessness? Plus, in this good anonymous man’s defense, you were drawing graffiti and breaking windows. He had no choice but to respond with tear gas and batons. And all the maimings cannot be blamed on them when you are the one that wrote bad words on a wall. Again, louder please. Speak from the diaphragm. The one being crushed. That’s better. It wasn’t you that wrote any of the graffiti? Perhaps, but then you started throwing fireworks at them and that’s dangerous for them! That wasn’t you either? But you have to admit that you were in the same general square mile as those people and are thus complicit! Anyway, this fine gentleman that is not telling you what he is arresting you for and will be shortly blindfolding you and putting you in an unmarked vehicle says you did do those things and who am I supposed to believe, the government who I have often railed against as being oppressive or you?

If I were to wear a face mask, which I wouldn’t because that’s definitely tyranny, my COVID germs deserve freedom to kill things that scare me as much as I do, I would wear the rattlesnake coiled to strike with the words “DONT TREAD ON ME” emblazoned underneath. Notice how it doesn’t say anything about treading on you. That I am ok with. If I’m being honest, I kind of wish I were this fine young gentleman slowly crushing the life out of you. It’s from your kind of tyranny that I have this gun to protect myself, not his. You have all of these Marxist ideas that are really scary to me. Given, I have no idea at all what Marxism is, but I’m hearing it thrown around a lot by people I listen to and they say it’s scary and so I’m scared. Antifa led Black Lives Matter people are trying to come to the suburbs and break into our homes and steal our stuff! Many of my suburban friends who would never even think of buying a gun to protect their stuff from these potential roving hoards are buying two even three guns! Given, this has never once happened in all of U.S. history. Except all the times white people did it. But that doesn’t mean it can’t happen! Black people are trying to have the same rights and privileges as white people and I think that only white people should have the rights to act out revenge fantasies against wrongs both perceived and real. Mostly perceived. You can’t call me racist like that! You scare me too and you’re very white!

Oh, you’re leaving? Well that’s rude. I thought we were having a constructive conversation here. I wouldn’t worry much for your safety. It’s not as if our police forces have a history of being a little bit over zealous in their treatment of people whom they perceive to have wished them harm. And these people are completely anonymous and refuse to tell you or your friends, who they are threatening to shoot, where you are being taken. So you’re like triply safe! It really is a great day to be an American!

Movie Review: 2019 Revue

It’s that time of year again! Revue time! I reviewed 36 movies in 2019 and it was your normal mix of crap and masterpieces and crap disguised as masterpieces (I’m looking at you Roma!). Superhero movies had a solid year once again, with the exception of the new Spider-Man movie. Women are getting their stories told more and more and we had a great movie about the Notorious RBG, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, which started my year and a decent attempt to tell the story of Harriet Tubman towards the end of the year. Sandwiched in between was the first Marvel superhero movie with a female lead which was quite good, “Captain Marvel”.

We also had a new first for 2019! A movie review by someone other than me. EricS joined us to tell us what he thought of the movie “Deathstalker”. I think he loved it and it may be his favorite movie ever and you all should go and see it as soon as possible. My memory’s not what it used to be though.

On The Basis Of Sex – 4/5 stars

The Upside – 3/5 stars

Bumblebee – 2/5 stars

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part – 3/5 stars

Captain Marvel – 4/5 stars

Roma – 2/5 stars

Us – 4/5 stars

Dumbo – 1/5 stars

The Best Of Enemies – 3/5 stars

Shazam! – 4/5 stars

Avengers: Endgame – 4/5 stars

Pokemon Detective Pikachu – 3/5 stars

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum – 3/5 stars

Aladdin – 4/5 stars

Godzilla: King Of The Monsters – 3/5 stars

Toy Story 4 – 3/5 stars

Spider-Man: Far From Home – 3/5 stars

Stuber – 4/5 stars

Once Upon A Time…In Hollywood – 2/5 stars

The Farewell – 5/5 stars

Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw – 3/5 stars

47 Meters Down: Uncaged – 2/5 stars

It Chapter Two – 3/5 stars

Ad Astra – 1/5 stars

Joker – 4/5 stars

Zombieland: Double Tap – 3/5 stars

Black And Blue – 2/5 stars

Harriet – 3/5 stars

Doctor Sleep – 4/5 stars

Ford v Ferrari – 4/5 stars

A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood – 4/5 stars

Jojo Rabbit – 5/5 stars

Deathstalker – by EricS

Midway – 2/5 stars

Parasite – 3/5 stars

Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise Of Skywalker – 3/5 stars

 

Movie Review: Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise Of Skywalker

Jean-Paul’s rating: 3/5

Bottom Line: A reasonably good finale to the sequel even if you won’t really ever look back with nostalgia on it.

Today, we have a very special movie review. I will be interviewing my mom who saw Episode IX with my brother and me.

Me: So Mom, what did you think about “The Rise of Skywalker”?

Mom: It was too dark.

Me: But you liked the other two of the trilogy. Didn’t you like seeing all the characters again?

Mom: No, it was way too dark. The other movies were bright and colorful and full of light. This one was just dark. Dark from start to finish.

Me: I know the movie had its issues. Like the whole spy thing was just silly, and the story has been rehashed a billion times at this point, but it was still pretty fun most of the time.

Mom: But why did they make it so dark?

Me: I guess they wanted the color scheme to fit the mood of the movie. Perhaps J. J. Abrams doesn’t trust the audience to fully appreciate the darkness of the plot without messing with the brightness level of the movie screen. What about the characters? They were still pretty fun right?

Mom: I didn’t like any of them because the movie was so dark.

Me: None of them? I mean, sure, they’re all pretty one dimensional in their thinking in this one and don’t really express much of the depth that they did in the other episodes, but they are still fun to watch and we get all sorts of great cameos from prior episodes, including if you watch carefully, Wedge!

Mom: What’s a wedge?

Me: He’s a character from…you know what, never mind. So Mom, sum up “The Rise of Skywalker” for us.

Mom: When I watch all the other Star Wars movies over I will never watch this one again because it’s so dark.

Me: Harsh. I thought it was reasonably fun, but it tried too hard at times to create moments that people will talk about and it failed miserably to do so. “Rogue One” is still the best of the new Star Wars vehicles. Thanks Mom for joining me for this review. I think your input will prove valuably useful to my audience.

Mom: I just wish they didn’t make it so dark. Every scene was just so dark.

Me: Yes, I think we got that. Thanks.

Movie Review: Parasite

Jean-Paul’s Rating: 3/5 stars

Bottom Line: Starts as a brilliant movie about a con. Ends as…uh, something else not nearly as fulfilling.

“Parasite” has been getting a lot of buzz recently and I can see why. The first half of the film is brilliant. It follows the down on their luck Kim family as they methodically insinuate themselves into the life of the rich and gullible Park family. The pacing of this part of the movie is pitch perfect. The dialogue is witty and delivered with perfect timing even with subtitles. I had a smile on my face throughout. And then…things happen.

This is one of those movies that delivers a record scratch right in the middle and the quickly becomes about something completely different. Sometimes this works wonderfully like in “From Dusk Till Dawn”. Shut up. It was a good movie. In “Parasite” it just feels a bit too jarring. It had me for a while and I was interested in seeing where it was going with everything, but then it takes a sharp right turn and fails to deliver on the promise of the movie up to that point. The biggest issue for me was that the motivations of the people up to that point and what they did after did not at all mesh. There was certainly room to establish what happened, leaving hints here and there, but the movie failed to do that.

There are all sorts of things to say about class and it’s hard not to think, with a title like “Parasite” and the content of the movie, that the movie is partly anti-poor as an answer to the plethora of anti-rich films that have been released lately. It’s also possible that the movie is a joke about how rich people view poorer people. What’s especially funny is the Kim family, despite being completely unqualified on paper for the jobs they take, are actually very good at them and find themselves in a great position, but they keep reaching for more and more until it lands them in big trouble. They have the “big score” mentality which must be as pervasive in South Korea as it is in the United States. All of it can be seen from so many different viewpoints, none of which are necessary to the movie, but which provides all sorts of wonderful subtext for discussions with friends.

“Parasite” is still a movie worth seeing even if I didn’t think it lived up to the hype that it is getting. The first half is really quite fun as long as you don’t mind movies with subtitles. The director, Bong Joon Ho, appears to direct movies about class quite a bit, with his previous movies “Okja” and “Snowpiercer” being very class conscious as well. He’s definitely a director to keep your eye on in the coming years and I’m sure “Parasite” will open doors for him like never before.

Movie Review: Midway

Jean-Paul’s Rating: 2/5 stars

Bottom Line: Effects give it one more star than it otherwise would have. Best thing about it is that it ended.

“Midway” feels like one of those labor of love projects that started out as a decent concept and quickly devolved into the realization that, aside from the bravery and spectacle of a decisive battle, there really isn’t much of a story to tell. The movie features some pretty big name actors in supporting roles like Woody Harrelson as Admiral Nimitz and Dennis Quaid as Admiral Halsey and Aaron Eckhart as Lieutenant Colonel Doolittle and they pomp their way through the movie just fine but there is very little circumstance produced from their involvement.

The movie tries to weave a story around Dick Best (Ed Skrein) and Wade McClusky (Luke Evans) and abuses just about every war cliche in order to do so. Most egregious of the cliches is the “women suffering silently at home” cliche. We are treated to pointless scene after pointless scene of wives lamenting their position and fretting about their husbands and not much else. There is one scene that seems shoehorned in just to counter this cliche where Ann Best (Mandy Moore) lambasts Dick Best’s commanding officer about not promoting Dick, which was actually pretty fun if also useless. And that’s the biggest problem with true to life war movies; most people involved are just as ordinary and just as boring as everyone else in the world and they were just thrown into extraordinary circumstances and accomplished doubly extraordinary feats while still being their ordinary and boring selves.

As has been the norm in recent movies about older wars, this is not a rah rah go USA movie. The movie rightly pays homage to the Japanese and their commanders as believing they were just as right and as honorable as we thought we were. It also does a pretty decent job (as far as I can tell being a middle aged white male who thinks he knows everything) portraying Japanese hierarchical society. I really like this trend in movies and wish it would extend to movies about more recent “wars” like the “war” on “terror”.

The only good news is that the visual and audio effects for the movie are pretty darned good. I cannot imagine a movie this bad being nominated for anything even if it does one thing good, but you can probably expect the movie to be nominated for participation trophies like best visual and best sound. And yes, I know that stuff is mad difficult and requires months and months of hard work and deserves to be recognized when it’s done right, but I still wish the winners would be actual good movies.

Despite my mild praise for certain aspects of the movie, feel free to give “Midway” a wide berth. Ha! Watching the movie was worth it just so I could use that idiom. You’re welcome.

Deathstalker Movie Review

I saw an onling comment about a b-movie called Deathstalker. I assumed it was a horror flick. When I looked it up I discovered it was actually a sword and sorcery trilogy from the 1980s. I also discovered Amazon Prime had it available. If you suspect I watched it, I did. If you suspect it was bad, oh boy, you have no idea how bad.

Deathstalker, Stalker to his friends, is our protagonist. He’s tan, muscular, has the flowing blond locks that you could only have in 1982, and he carries a big sword and bigger bow. This bow is comical in its size and intricate design. Deathstalker is also, by far, the tallest guy in the movie with the execption of half-pig man.

Deathstalker is the reluctant hero that is has been “killing and stealing” to make his own way in life. A true Ayn Rand kind of man. Then a witch (Who is she? Why does he visit her straw hut? Why does he listen to her? Is she a liberal plant?) tells him he needs to reunite a magic sword with the magic amulet and magic chalice being held by the evil sorcerer king. By uniting them he will gain The Power. With it Deathstalker will… it doesn’t matter really.

The quest begins and along the way he picks up three companions. These companions are fellow warriors that are traveling to a tournament. The second one is the quintessential warrior woman. She fights in a hooded robe and boots andÖ not much else. It’s not just the men that are bare-chested in this cinematic classic.

Deathstalker and his companions arrive at the tournament. It is being held at the castle of the evil sorcerer king. The maniacal monarch has gathered all the greatest warriors in the land to… it doesn’t matter really.

The rest of the movie takes place at and around the castle. The evil sorcerer king is trying to have Deathstalker killed. All his attempts fail as Stalker or his companions slay all the would-be assassins. The evil sorcerer kingís plans to … it doesn’t matter really.

Through all these assassination attempts we see the castle is of the classical design with a central harem room. As all good harem rooms do this one is populated by many a comely lady dressed in the sheerest of robes. When I say central I mean every hallway, trap door and fall out of a 3rd story window leads to the harem room. It is not just central to the castle but also the movie. The central point being boobs! The awkward theatrical sword play, blood, and flying, dismembered body parts are all just window dressing for 1980s teenage boys when there was no internet pr0n.

File this to I watched it so you don’t have to.

Movie Review: Jojo Rabbit

Jean-Paul’s Rating: 5/5 stars

Bottom Line: Has everything you could ever want in a movie. A prepubescent Nazi. A girl in a wall. A cheerful in the face of adversity mother. A wacky captain and his sidekick. And, of course, Adolf Hitler!

Taika Waitiki is putting together quite a streak of excellent movies here. He had “What We Do in the Shadows” which was another great absurdist film, then “Hunt for the Wilderpeople” which I’ve not seen but has gotten great reviews, then “Thor:Ragnarok” which is one of the best Marvel films to date, and now “Jojo Rabbit”.

Movies don’t come more delightful than “Jojo Rabbit”. Set near the end of World War II, it is a story about a fervent young Nazi named Jojo (Roman Griffin Davis), his imaginary sidekick Adolf Hitler (Taika Waitiki), and a teenage Jew named Else (Thomasin McKenzie) living in Jojo’s mother Rosie’s (Scarlett Johansson) wall. I know what you’re saying, “Not ANOTHER story about a fervent young Nazi, his imaginary sidekick, and a teenage Jew living in the Nazi’s mother’s wall!”, but trust me, this one is different.

Waitiki has a gift for weaving a story and a talent for the absurd. Because let’s be honest, there is nothing more absurd than being a Nazi: “Oh, look at me! I’m a Nazi! I hate Jews and Blacks and everyone else that doesn’t look or think like me! My entire sense of self-worth is wrapped in making others feel worse so that I can feel better about myself! Don’t you just want to punch me in my stupid Nazi face? I know I often do! Trump 2020!” Maybe that should be sad. There’s nothing more sad than being a Nazi. it’s absurdisad. But I digress. Waitiki has assembled a pitch perfect ensemble cast for this movie and every character is believably ridiculous, which is hugely important when crafting an absurdist movie. He also stars as the most ridiculous Adolph Hitler you will ever experience.

You can’t help but feel good at the end of “Jojo Rabbit”. It is a delight that can likely be watched again and again. I can see it getting a slew of Oscars this year, but none would it be more worthy of winning (If it existed. Make it exist Academy!) than Best Ensemble Cast. From the kids to the adults they were all great. Go see this movie! Then go see it again!

Movie Review: A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood

Jean-Paul’s Rating: 4/5 stars

Bottom Line: Fred Rogers may be the weirdest human being to ever exist. We should all be more like Fred Rogers.

“A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood” follows Lloyd Vogel (Matthew Rhys) as he writes an article for Vanity Fair about Fred Rogers (Tom Hanks). Lloyd is convinced that Fred Rogers wears a mask and his Mr. Rogers is just a character on a children’s television show and he goes out to prove just that. What he finds is an extremely weird but authentic human being. The people that work with him are filled with loving frustration as he takes time to talk to children at their level and their speed, greatly slowing down production of the show. Fred Rogers appears to be the same behind the camera and in front of it. He has a way of getting into your head and making you share things. It is disarming being around a human being who appears to care with every inch of his being.

Excuse the intro and the outro of the movie as they are a bit hokey, but everything sandwiched in between is absolutely delightful. Tom Hanks plays a pitch perfect Fred Rogers and Matthew Rhys is a great uncomprehending foil. Even the entire cast surrounding Mr. Rogers and his television show does a great job of projecting bemusement at the situation they find themselves in with this character who is not at all a character. There are really cool little touches throughout the film and, like the intro and outtro, they are a bit hokey, but they all put together make you question if you are in real life or in Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood of Make-Believe. City skylines and travel montages are shot as if you were in Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.

If you need a movie that you will leave feeling all is right with the world despite all evidence to the contrary from the outside world, go see “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood”. It is just a single facet in Fred Rogers’ multifaceted life but it’s a great look at an extremely unusual human being and we are all better for getting to know even just a little bit about him.

Ford vs Ferrari, an addendum

I agree with the Jean-Paul’s overall rating. As an actual car enthusiast I’d like to out a few things in the movie that are actual history without giving away the whole story.

  1. The feud between Ford and Ferrari was real and unfolded essentially as portrayed.
  2. 80s kids will know Lee Iacocca as a Chrysler executive but he did come from FoMoCo. He did push the company to compete in the performance market. The Mustang was essentially his baby.
  3. I don’t know the reality of Shelby’s relationship with the various people in the movie was, but he was notoriously stubborn and confrontational.
  4. As far as I can tell the main FoMoCo antagonist, Leo Beebe, is a creation of the movie.
  5. The storyline of Ken Miles role in developing and driving the car are accurate. This includes the race outcome and his test driving throughout the movie.
  6. The cars depicted in the race scenes looked period correct to me.

In short, a pretty good portrayal of the facts.

Movie Review: Ford v Ferrari

Jean-Paul’s rating: 4/5 stars

Bottom Line: Finally a movie about racing that is actually fun! Should be called Shelby v Ford, though.

“Ford v Ferrari” is only nominally about Ford versus Ferrari. While it is true that the whole reason for the movie is because one rich person, Enzo Ferrari (Remo Girone), pissed off another rich person, Henry Ford II (Tracy Letts), and that rich person decided to stick it to the other rich person, the movie is more about how Carroll Shelby (Matt Damon) fought with a bunch of corporate suits at Ford to actually allow him to build the car and get the driver he would need to actually beat Ferrari. In fact, when the Le Mans race actually occurs, there’s not really much tension between the two teams except for the director doing his damnedest to make the Ferrari driver look evil and the all too frequent use of the drivers staring each other down as they pass.

The good news is that the racing scenes are not at all boring, though they do occasionally go on for a bit too long with the aforementioned stare-downs and such. This opposite of boring racing is almost entirely because Ken Miles (Christian Bale) is a fantastic character. Without car crashes, racing is pretty darned snooze worthy, but intersperse it with Miles talking to himself and his car and his opponents even though they can’t hear and you have actual entertainment in racing.

The even more good news is that Bale and Damon make “Ford v Ferrari” fun even beyond the racing. I don’t know how true to character they play Miles and Shelby, but you can tell they are definitely having fun with it and it works well for this movie. Their characters are both hard headed and hot headed, but they also both want the same thing and they work together to produce something truly magnificent, if useless. Sorry car guys. Shelby has this great speech when he’s first kicking off building the car that will beat Ferrari. I don’t remember verbatim, but he talks about how lucky a person is when they find what they love early and can find a job doing it for they’ll never work a day in their life, but there’s another type of person who is driven to do something no matter what and they’re probably not so lucky because they will try to do that thing regardless of cost and that he is that type of person. So too is Miles.

Good racing movies are hard to come by and this is one of them. I had to actually look up other racing movies to see what I’ve liked and “Rush” from a few years ago was equally as good as this one. Prior to that? Not much. You have to go back to 1963 and “It’s a Mad Mad Mad World” to find a good one. I am only partly joking, but with a plethora of “Fast and Furious” movies to choose from, you can see my point. Now I want to see “It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World” again. And you should see it too. And “Ford v Ferrari”.