Jean-Paul’s Rating: 1/5 stars
Bottom Line: Sloppy. Lazy. Dull. Improbable.
“Alien: Covenant” is a story about man’s hubris and how it inevitably will lead to our downfall. In it, Ridley Scott attempts to make a movie so bad under the assumption that his subjects are so dense that they will go see an movie with the name “Alien” in it just because there were once two good movies in the series. Ridley Scott was correct. Humanity is doomed. I think the movie itself was also about man’s hubris, but I was too busy rolling my eyes and wanting to punch something to much pay attention.
If you have seen ‘Prometheus”, I’m sorry. But also, you’ve already seen “Alien: Covenant”. Only this time, instead of finding a mysterious ship and acting stupid, a whole new set of supposedly smart people find a mysterious planet and act stupid. Let’s back up a bit, though. The movie begins with a bit of a preamble in which the creator of androids first brings Michael Fassbender online and treats him like a dick. The purpose of this scene is to make the movie over two hours long. Michael Fassbender takes the name David which, if you will recall, was the android in Prometheus. Fast forward some indeterminate amount of time and now we’re on board the Covenant, a colony ship en route to planet QRQ51521 or some-such. And Michael Fassbender is on board! Only, he’s totally not David, but Walter this time and thus totally trustworthy. Or is he? Dun dun DUNNNNNN! While in the middle of this journey, the ship is subjected to a one in a billion star event while at its most vulnerable, recharging its batteries, which kills a bunch of people and wakes up the crew from hibernation.
Let’s meet the crew, shall we? The crew consists of: one char-boiled captain cooked in his own juices for five minutes just because it would look cool, a first officer who you should know is some sort of religious and is certain that is the reason why he isn’t captain but now he is since the ship decided to have a barbecue, at least two married couples which seems like a really bad idea for people who are expected to make life and death decisions for others, another couple who are bumpin’ uglies and thus must be punished for it in true horror cliche fashion, Michael Fassbender, and various other people who will sacrifice their lives in the name of stupidity.
While doing repairs to their ship, one crew member hears a transmission of a John Denver song on his piddly little space suit while the massive ship doesn’t hear it at all. Because reasons. The transmission is coming from a planet that all of their scans somehow completely missed and is almost perfect in every single way and is much better than the crappy planet they were planning on inhabiting and screw their orders and let’s go check it out! Up to this precise moment of the movie, we’re still kind of ok. Sure, they’re not making good decisions, but they’re at least in the realm of probable bad decisions that a crew in their position might make. Then they land on the planet.
Here is just a sampling of the bad decisions these people make.
- They go down to the planet, which is a tempest of storms and hurricanes and electricity. It’s going to be a scary, bumpy ride and communications will be almost impossible at times. Let’s do this.
- They land on the planet. You might think, “Well, sure, why wouldn’t they?” Ah, but you’re forgetting, my friend, that they’re there to track down a transmission and it turns out that the transmission is coming from a crashed ship not far from a massive dead city that if they even bothered doing a fly-by first, they would have discovered had plenty of space to land.
- They separate from the group. This place looks like a great spot to take water samples on this completely unexplored planet. You guys go on ahead.
- They romp through the planet like a dog rolling in its own shit. Let me just go take a piss and dig my foot really deep in this mass of weird spore-like looking filth. I, too, am going to put my face up really close to this mass of weird spore-like looking filth and poke at it.
- They interchangeably freak the fuck out and behave calmly whenever the mood fits.
- They calmly follow a complete stranger who appears from nowhere without questioning where he came from or how he got there. Spoiler alert: It’s Michael Fassbender, er, David.
- They separate from the group. “You know what, I know I just watched my friends die and we’re in this massive dead city, but what I could really go for is a nice bath.” I’ll be right back. No you won’t.
- They continue to listen to David even though he repeated lies to him. “Oh, here, follow me down into this dank hole so I can show you something after you just saw me communicating with the alien that has been making a smorgasbord of your crew.” “OK!”
There’s plenty more, but I’m making myself plenty angry reliving the movie so I will stop there. There is no good reason to see this movie. Oh, wait, no, there is one. With every stupid, preventable death, you will secretly whisper to yourself, “Thank god they died! They were intolerably stupid.”