Top Ten Worst Christmas Songs

If you go out anywhere, you have undoubtedly been subject to more than your fair share of Christmas songs.  Everyone seems to play Christmas songs for the month prior to Christmas.  Everyone.  Most songs are mediocre, some are good, a lot are bad.  Here are my ten worst Christmas songs in no particular order.

  1. Do They Know it’s Christmas – Band Aid 1984 – What do you get when you get 80’s rockers to make a really condescending song with crappy synth and strange bells.  Yes, that’s exactly what Africans who don’t celebrate Christmas want, to know it’s Christmas.
  2. Wonderful Christmas Time – Paul McCartney – Acid.  That is the only excuse I can think of for poor Paul.  He must have been tripping on acid.  Simply wanting to blow my brains out after listening to this song.
  3. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer – Elmo & Patsy – Ok, I will admit to liking this filth as a child.  And it does have a certain charm to it.  But egads, this did not age well at all.  I mostly want to scratch my ears out when this song comes on.
  4. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas – Gayla Peevey – Again, at least it’s a clever song.  Clever does not equate to good, though.  My cousin is sure to inflict this abortion of a song upon us every Christmas Eve.  She secretly hates us all.  Or, I guess, not so secretly.
  5. Last Christmas – Wham! – Entry number two for George Michael. He was also in Band Aid 1984.  If you need further proof that he hates Christmas, you must also disbelieve evolution.  All the proof is there, you just need to open your eyes.
  6. Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey – Lou Monte – It’s not racist because it’s sung by an Italian.  This song validates every Jersey Shore stereotype.  No, the two have nothing to do with each other, but this song is bad enough to denigrate an entire nationality.
  7. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Jimmy Boyd – Ignore the fact that this is a pretty creepy song in general.  Ok, that’s really hard to ignore.  Let’s just assume that Santa is actually the kid’s dad.  The kid doesn’t seem terribly surprised that mommy is kissing someone else, just that it’s Santa Claus.  Maybe the kid should ask for a paternity test for Christmas.  And the voice!  Ugh, the voice!
  8. Christmas Shoes – Newsong – I’m pretty sure this song is about a grifter child getting a mark to buy him a new pair of Michael Jordans.  Prepared speech, dying mom, all the signs are there.  But let’s assume momma is dying.  This song is Christian mercy at its best.  Buy a kid a useless pair of shoes to make yourself feel better instead of inquiring more about what is wrong with momma.  If the kid’s poor, momma probably just needs a visit to the doctor.  You’re probably against universal healthcare too, aren’t you?
  9. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth – Melissa Lynn – All I want for Christmas is to never hear this song again.
  10. I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday – Wizzard – This has to be a joke.  If your goal, Wizzard, was to make people never want to celebrate Christmas again, mission accomplished.  Paul McCartney may have been on acid when he crated Wonderful Christmas Time, but these guys must have been mixing multiple drugs to come up with this abomination.  And whoever allowed their children in the same room as Wizzard must really be bad parents.

3 thoughts on “Top Ten Worst Christmas Songs

  1. Steven Scott

    I only half agree with you. There are four or five songs on your list that I’d replace with Band Aid – Do They Know It’s Christmas.

    …yes, I know you have it on there already. It deserves to be on this list 5 times. It actually deserves to be on this list all 10 times, but some heathens out there would complain about that I’m sure.

  2. Eric S

    When we had this conversation at lunch I said “all of them” because there are no good Christmas songs. I was wrong. I forgot about Santa Lost a Ho

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